Imperfect Happiness

Its so funny how your life seems so perfect at one minute and then at the next your whole life is falling apart. I have as as child, aunt, grandaughter, neice, friend, student, dreamer, and lover tried to perfect everything in my life but it has never been even close to easy. I deal with so many issues from handling everyone's business, buying shoes, cloths, for kids who aren't even mine I DONT HAVE EVEN ONE RELIABLE source of income, trying to excel in my endeavors, and making sure everyone is loved! "BULL-CRAP" sometimes I get sick of it all. Some of my teachers don't want to see me do well or grade me unfairly because of my ambition as a strong, black, intelligent woman. I look at people and judge their lives as being better than mine all because of insecurities. I wish I could talk to the Harriet Tubmans and Rosa Parks, because they were the hardest working, most faithful and god loving women to have lived. When I look back on the circumstances they had to succomb to it hearts my heart that I can be so selfish in my thoughts or is it normal. I live with my parents who are all over the place and the only person who seems sane in my life procrastinates so much I never know whats going to be cut off or neglected day to day. I have no car but can afford to buy a $224 baby phat coat (at the expense of my mom) who complains i'm ruining her life because I want so much that she can't live her own life. I am a full time student who has been looking for a decent and respectable part time job but i either don't get the job or am offered a job that requires a full time employee. I Have a 3.4 average, no kids, and my health. Some may say "Sweetie you don't have half the problems I do!" and that's why I watch what I say and pray for understanding but most of the time I get pissed off because they don't know what I've been through! I grew up with three brothers no sisters to guide me and a mother and father who worked all the time, now where did I get the perfect guide to living? From no where,not saying that there is one at all! I never felt appreciated but I guess it's because I never really appreciated myself as much as I should have. Sometimes I SMILE but Mostly I CRY for fear of the present and more imortantly the future BECAUSE IF IT'S ANYTHING LIKE MY PAST YOU CAN COUNT ME OUT!